Well here I am.
At it again.
I hate this feeling. The feeling of being trapped in my own skin. Of wanting the outside to match the inside and that never being possible. Elphie is strong today if you couldn't tell...
Just wish that I could do that...either shapeshift from Ryan to Elphie whenever I wanted to. OR like in Surrogates, download my mind into whatever body I wanted to have that day, you know?
It's like being in jail and knowing that you will never be able to live on the outside again. The warden likes me and lets me have a lot of freedom within the walls but...I can't ever be truly free. I'll always be in here. Always be trapped. Never allowed to be myself.
I've been really wanting to...I guess..."come out" on facebook recently too. Know that that would never work out the way I wish it would...so I won't be doing that, of course. But I hate hiding. Hiding parts of me from people I care about and whom, hopefully, care about me too...
But to know that even a lot of those people would reject me for being what and who I am...
It hurts even more.
I'm lucky that I found someone to love that loves all of me. And to have three people aside from them that know and accept me as I am. But today...and for the last few days...it's not enough. I don't want to have to hide. To keep an eye on my mannerisms, tones of voice, things that I call my significant other...I want to just be who I am and relate how I want to relate.
Can't happen though.
Can't ever happen...
Coming out as bigender can be extremely challenging. Most people know very little about transgender people, let along bigender people.
ReplyDeleteWhen I came out to me friends and family I almost just told everyone that I was trans to make things simpler. But then I decided that being bigender was such an important part of my identity that I had to tell them, otherwise I wouldn't have been completely honest with them.
You'll know when the time is right, and when you do I wish you the best of luck!
Paige