Well here I am.
At it again.
I hate this feeling. The feeling of being trapped in my own skin. Of wanting the outside to match the inside and that never being possible. Elphie is strong today if you couldn't tell...
Just wish that I could do that...either shapeshift from Ryan to Elphie whenever I wanted to. OR like in Surrogates, download my mind into whatever body I wanted to have that day, you know?
It's like being in jail and knowing that you will never be able to live on the outside again. The warden likes me and lets me have a lot of freedom within the walls but...I can't ever be truly free. I'll always be in here. Always be trapped. Never allowed to be myself.
I've been really wanting to...I guess..."come out" on facebook recently too. Know that that would never work out the way I wish it would...so I won't be doing that, of course. But I hate hiding. Hiding parts of me from people I care about and whom, hopefully, care about me too...
But to know that even a lot of those people would reject me for being what and who I am...
It hurts even more.
I'm lucky that I found someone to love that loves all of me. And to have three people aside from them that know and accept me as I am. But today...and for the last few days...it's not enough. I don't want to have to hide. To keep an eye on my mannerisms, tones of voice, things that I call my significant other...I want to just be who I am and relate how I want to relate.
Can't happen though.
Can't ever happen...
Monday, August 13, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Day One
Hi everyone...
Assuming that anyone will actually read this that is... :P
Not sure where to begin but..I guess a sort of mission statement will be the best thing to start this off with.
Plus a little about me I suppose...
My use-name is Raven. It's a cool name and it covers both my male and female side, we both answer to it, you know.
I'm 28, born on October 23 in Oceanside, California. I moved around a lot, big drama and abuse involved there...But that we can talk about later.
I currently live in Round Rock, Texas with my girlfriend Danielle, my roommate Adam and my other roommate Ian.
It's kind of a complicated and storied living situation but we can touch on that later.
Since I was little I've had bigendered tendencies. From playing with girl toys as much as boy toys to my later years wherein if there was an option to be a female character I jumped at it and felt sort of upset when such an option did not exist...My female side was BEGGING to be released from a prison I did not know she was in. Of course I didn't know she was in a prison because I hadn't even accepted or fully aknowledged her EXISTENCE yet so...yeah...
During my late teens and early 20's is when she really started coming out. I started to move like a girl. I, to an extent, started looking like a girl. I grew my hair really long, took to the gothic lifestlye(which she belongs to) partly because I loved the look and what I had seen of the culture and partly because it offered a sort of safe outlet for the feminine side of me. It's okay to have long hair, it's okay to dye it black or any crazy color you want. It's okay to wear makeup and have piercings and stuff like that. So it felt like home. A nice compromise so to speak. It let me be feminine while keeping me completely male at the same time.
I've seen either grown out of that to an extent or found a happy median between my female gothness and my male country-boy side.
For various reasons, not just to do with the bigender issues, I've been suffering from some form of depression or another. Self Esteem is a big issue for me. Various reasons behind that too. But part of it is that old "Ugly Duckling Syndrome" and I know is. Until I was 16 and for as far as I remember before that, I was pretty much horribly obese. Then I got my first job, at a diner...and got sick of seeing and smelling food so I stopped eating except for maybe once a day. Lost probably 100 pounds in like a couple of months that way. I was still overweight but not disgustingly so. A full decade later I had my first date. Yup. That's right. I was 26 when I went on my first date. That relationship didn't work out though. Next, met my current girlfriend when I was just past 28. It changed my whole life.
The first girlfriend thought I might be trans or bigender, she was a psychology student after all. It was basically confirmed and even encouraged by her. She's somewhat bigender as well, having a male side. Though that male side is less pronounced than my female side, it's still there. And the four of us (my male and female side and her male and female side) are in a big complicated relationship of sorts :P
The opposite-gender sides of us, having never really having names before were given names that we both liked. My female side is Elphie, her male side is Embry.
She almost always displays as female. I almost always strike a median. My female side is stronger, probably due to the basically two decades of repression being released all at once, so a lot of my display is feminine, to be honest. But there is definitive maleness as well.
It's funny too, because my male side...The Hick as we affectionetly call him, is a more shy, introverted and unconfidant man. The Weirdo as we call her, is a strong, confidant, sexy, somewhat extroverted but still pretty introverted, woman.
I'm complicated...what can I say?
Everyone involved is mostly okay with things as they are but...there are times when Elphie and Embry want to be together how they "really are". As in, fully female and fully male. Mostly for dates and date-related...activities...But that's beside the point. The point is, there are times when I want to be fully female physically. There are times when she wants to be fully male.
And it hurts me that I can't be. Even if I where to do something drastic and deny my male side and get the operations...I'd never be fully female. Just be a rough fascimally of a woman, never actually be one.
We DO sometimes go on little dates as Elphie and Embry but...it's not the same. We are somewhat self-concious about it. I am especially. She has a kind of "butch" look to her but is still almost entirely, girly, female, in appearance. I hear I make a pretty girl but...Still have my man hands(at least I think they are), Adam's apple and permastubble(damn you dark facial hair! damn you to the blackest pit of the deepest hell!)
So I sometimes get really nervous that someone will see that I'm not female and start something over it. I know that the chances are pretty low, especially in the Austin area...but still?
Anyway...
I'm getting more comfortable with it and want to "come out" on facebook...but I know that there will be a lot of flak over that...Some family members on both sides hers and mine...I *know* would react negatively...So I gotta hide it still. Probably always will too. But...that's just how it has to be.
But in any case...I feel like I'm rambling and probably boring you to death so I'm going to call it quitin' time.
I leave you with something a very wise man once said, and which will undoubtedly become my signature ending to these blogs:
"Live long, and prosper."
Assuming that anyone will actually read this that is... :P
Not sure where to begin but..I guess a sort of mission statement will be the best thing to start this off with.
Plus a little about me I suppose...
My use-name is Raven. It's a cool name and it covers both my male and female side, we both answer to it, you know.
I'm 28, born on October 23 in Oceanside, California. I moved around a lot, big drama and abuse involved there...But that we can talk about later.
I currently live in Round Rock, Texas with my girlfriend Danielle, my roommate Adam and my other roommate Ian.
It's kind of a complicated and storied living situation but we can touch on that later.
Since I was little I've had bigendered tendencies. From playing with girl toys as much as boy toys to my later years wherein if there was an option to be a female character I jumped at it and felt sort of upset when such an option did not exist...My female side was BEGGING to be released from a prison I did not know she was in. Of course I didn't know she was in a prison because I hadn't even accepted or fully aknowledged her EXISTENCE yet so...yeah...
During my late teens and early 20's is when she really started coming out. I started to move like a girl. I, to an extent, started looking like a girl. I grew my hair really long, took to the gothic lifestlye(which she belongs to) partly because I loved the look and what I had seen of the culture and partly because it offered a sort of safe outlet for the feminine side of me. It's okay to have long hair, it's okay to dye it black or any crazy color you want. It's okay to wear makeup and have piercings and stuff like that. So it felt like home. A nice compromise so to speak. It let me be feminine while keeping me completely male at the same time.
I've seen either grown out of that to an extent or found a happy median between my female gothness and my male country-boy side.
For various reasons, not just to do with the bigender issues, I've been suffering from some form of depression or another. Self Esteem is a big issue for me. Various reasons behind that too. But part of it is that old "Ugly Duckling Syndrome" and I know is. Until I was 16 and for as far as I remember before that, I was pretty much horribly obese. Then I got my first job, at a diner...and got sick of seeing and smelling food so I stopped eating except for maybe once a day. Lost probably 100 pounds in like a couple of months that way. I was still overweight but not disgustingly so. A full decade later I had my first date. Yup. That's right. I was 26 when I went on my first date. That relationship didn't work out though. Next, met my current girlfriend when I was just past 28. It changed my whole life.
The first girlfriend thought I might be trans or bigender, she was a psychology student after all. It was basically confirmed and even encouraged by her. She's somewhat bigender as well, having a male side. Though that male side is less pronounced than my female side, it's still there. And the four of us (my male and female side and her male and female side) are in a big complicated relationship of sorts :P
The opposite-gender sides of us, having never really having names before were given names that we both liked. My female side is Elphie, her male side is Embry.
She almost always displays as female. I almost always strike a median. My female side is stronger, probably due to the basically two decades of repression being released all at once, so a lot of my display is feminine, to be honest. But there is definitive maleness as well.
It's funny too, because my male side...The Hick as we affectionetly call him, is a more shy, introverted and unconfidant man. The Weirdo as we call her, is a strong, confidant, sexy, somewhat extroverted but still pretty introverted, woman.
I'm complicated...what can I say?
Everyone involved is mostly okay with things as they are but...there are times when Elphie and Embry want to be together how they "really are". As in, fully female and fully male. Mostly for dates and date-related...activities...But that's beside the point. The point is, there are times when I want to be fully female physically. There are times when she wants to be fully male.
And it hurts me that I can't be. Even if I where to do something drastic and deny my male side and get the operations...I'd never be fully female. Just be a rough fascimally of a woman, never actually be one.
We DO sometimes go on little dates as Elphie and Embry but...it's not the same. We are somewhat self-concious about it. I am especially. She has a kind of "butch" look to her but is still almost entirely, girly, female, in appearance. I hear I make a pretty girl but...Still have my man hands(at least I think they are), Adam's apple and permastubble(damn you dark facial hair! damn you to the blackest pit of the deepest hell!)
So I sometimes get really nervous that someone will see that I'm not female and start something over it. I know that the chances are pretty low, especially in the Austin area...but still?
Anyway...
I'm getting more comfortable with it and want to "come out" on facebook...but I know that there will be a lot of flak over that...Some family members on both sides hers and mine...I *know* would react negatively...So I gotta hide it still. Probably always will too. But...that's just how it has to be.
But in any case...I feel like I'm rambling and probably boring you to death so I'm going to call it quitin' time.
I leave you with something a very wise man once said, and which will undoubtedly become my signature ending to these blogs:
"Live long, and prosper."
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